First things first

I've seriously got to move out of my apartment. It was all fine and dandy for a while there when the government paid for it, but now that I basically work my ass off and it all goes to my apartment, that i'm never in, because i'm too busy working to make money for it, it's not fun anymore. And it's summer, so the AC is freakin expensive. Just sayin, time to start looking for cheaper alternatives. In retrospect, I didn't pick the right apartment. That thing is just darn expensive. Love the area, but dude, I need a house. Something bigger, and cheaper.

Second, I leave for the Philippines in 3 days and I'm not sure how to feel. Kinda nervous I suppose. I feel ill prepared. We're supposed to talk about the bible and give testimonies and whatnot, and I don't know a darn thing about what the bible says unfortunately... And I call myself a Christian. Good thing it's a 23 hour trip. I'll have plenty of time to read up and study.

I finished two books today. Half of a book I started yesterday, and an entire book today. That leaves me with 3 books in 3 days. So I've finished the first half of the Pretty Little Liars series. I've got the entire House of Night series on its way here. Too bad I can't read that until I get back. I've got to hit up a Barnes and Noble before I go to the Philippines. My iPod doesn't have enough movies to occupy my time. Me and long airplane rides do not mix.

The second I get home, I'm making Eric take me to 24 hour fitness.
Let the fun begin.

You.

While I'm at it, this whole blogging thing. I'll take a minute to write about you. You, the one person who I thought I could trust, you, who I never, ever, EVER thought would or could hurt me, twisted me in ways I didn't even know I could feel.

This would be longer, but I'm just tired of thinking about you to be perfectly honest.

I don't hate you, but if you fell off the face of the planet, my life could be easier. I'm just saying.

I guard myself, I'm not like the Berlin wall, I'm not meant to be broken down. I've learned my lesson.

150

I really wasn't kidding when I said I knew I wouldn't update this thing often. Maybe all that will change now. I have an iPhone now, finally. Should make blogging a little easier. I've decided I think blogging might be a good idea. I want to be famous one day, I want to be able to remember what I had to go through to get there. So maybe I'll start updating this thing a little more. Hopefully my phone will help that.

I've been in interesting moods lately. Somewhat similar to that of someone who is bipolar, except I'm definitely not bipolar. I'm just a girl. A girl stuck in the same situation she's been in for her entire life and doesn't know how to get out of it, and is too stubborn to ask for help, and worse, admit that she even has a problem. Because that is legitimately what I have, a problem. Except I don't know how to handle that problem, I have no idea who to talk to about that problem. Nobody understands. Nobody. Understands. I don't care how much you want to admit you understand, because you don't. You can't understand what I'm going through, nobody can. 20 years of this, I can't take it anymore. I can't even cry myself to sleep anymore.

I wish this was a happier post, but I just can't seem to write about something happy right now. I am semi greatful for the fact that my roommates really don't know how to clean - I find cleaning rather therapeutic. Normal people would be angry at the fact that worked for a week just to come home and clean up a mess that wasn't theirs, but ironically, not me, most days. It's therapeutic, it's easing.. I wish I could find therapy in a gym or something.

I want to be somebody different. I want to be me, but different. I want to be the me I know I can be. Problem with that is it's going to take a lot of work. Problem with that is I am not used to 'working hard' for the things I want. Things come easy to me. That's the most conceited, snobby thing I could possibly say, but it's the truth. Things just come easy to me, so working hard for something isn't something I am used to. The thought makes me sick to my stomach and makes me give up before I've even started.

But I've got to try. I can't take this anymore.

Dreams

Dreams are so informative.
I heard once that the last person/thing/whatever you think of before you go to bed is what you dream about.
I'm sure that's why you pop up every so often.
Except now it doesn't feel like dreams anymore.
It's just the same recurring nightmare.
Your face. It's all just a nightmare anymore.
And I can't decide whether I want it to go away or not.
Since it's the only way I see you anymore.

I have so many options...

So many things that I want to do, and theoretically, such little time to do them.
There are so many internships I want to participate in.
So many study abroad programs I want to participate in.
London, Spain, Italy...I wouldn't know where to go. Spend a semester in a country, or spend a summer in a country? Honestly, I'd prefer a semester. An entire semester in another country? How amazing would that be. Maybe next spring...I'll go to London. They do speak English there. But Spain would be amazing, to be able to learn how to speak Spanish. But then Italy...I'll get to hang out with my Simo! And Riccardo and maybe get to meet his other friends. That would be a lot of fun. I could learn italian in that case, which would be an absolute blast. But the chances of me actually graduating on time in that case would be pretty slim. But at the same time, why does it matter? I should stay in school for as long as I possibly can shouldn't I? Going out and finding a job is not really my forte.
I'm watching Post Grad...that's why I'm having all of these issues with my future. I want to be able to enjoy being a kid as much as possible, before I really have to grow up and be an adult. Which is an extremely terrifying concept if you think about it.
I just got an apartment, and in retrospect, probably shouldn't have. It's kind of holding me back now. I'm stuck in it until April, which means if I wanted to study abroad this summer, I really can't. If i wanted to study abroad next semester I really can't. But who would want to study abroad in the Fall. That's the best semester!
That's why I was thinking next spring. It'd only be 3 months left in my apartment, I could just pay that off and call it a day.
Blech, so many options. Sooo many things I could do. I wanted to take summer school this year too, but thinking about it, I really shouldn't. But then maybe I should, because I need to get my core curric. out of the way ASAP.
Man, this is all just blabbing. I've gotta get back to work. I've gotta stop thinking so much. It's kinda what happens when I go through rejection. I don't take rejection lightly. And I start reevaluating my life, in ways that are completely irrelevant to my rejection.
I don't usually have to try hard to get the things I want, so when I get rejected...I don't handle it very well...at all.

I knew I wouldn't update this thing that often.

I want an iphone.
That's tied with a macbook pro for number 1 thing I would like to buy.
Once I pay my rent, I'm investing.
I've wanted one for as long as I can remember.
I'm getting one.

i am so tired...

of always coming in second best.
of standing in the shadow of every girl I know.
I was never the prettiest, & I like to pretend I'm okay with it, but it hurts more & more everyday.
I'm tired of hearing 'well yeah you're cute, but your friend is so hot.'
growing up being the guys' girl was fun, but now, why can't I just be one guy's girl?
I don't wanna be the girl guys talk to just to get to my friends.
that's all I've ever been.
& I know why. I hate it but I know why.
its not like I haven't tried to change it. its just so hard. & I've been hurting all this time...i had to find comfort in something.
I can't even trust the people I've been close to for so long because of my own insecurities.
I just want to be somebody that somebody wants.
doesn't everybody?

Move-In Day

is tomorrow.
oh, did I mention I turned 20?
Yeah...on the 13th.
I was working though, didn't get to celebrate too much.
That's what next weekend will be for.
It will be fun.

But tomorrow, is move in day.
But, a legit move in day.
I won't be 'visiting my family for the holidays' and staying in my room
my room is moving with me this time
i have my own place
it's scary
i have a roommate
even scarier
let's see how living with a guy is going to be.
my guess?
amazing.
i picked a good roommate.

i'm exhausted.
it's been an extremely long week.
&& I'm not ready for school start tomorrow
lots of shopping to do.

i can't sleep.

these nights actually happen pretty often.
owl city puts it perfectly.
'im far too tired to fall asleep.'
I figured I'd see how convenient it is to write a post on my phone.
its really not very convenient. I can't type as fast on my phone. someday.

I had an interesting convo with some people today. about my past. more specifically, people in my past.

its been 5 years, and I couldn't care less. I see you & I smile because you're a great friend now. we've changed so much, sometimes I feel like I'm getting to know an entirely new person when we hang out. its fun. I'm happy for you.

its been 2 years. to the date. and I do care. I care a lot. still. and it sucks. I see you, but only in my mind. only in dreams, & nightmares, & sometimes I look at old pictures. the ones I have left anyway. the ones I don't think ill ever be able to delete. we've changed so much. but you don't talk to me anymore. I have to thank you for that. for being the strong one. I couldn't ever do it.

but I'm not happy for you.
I want to be, but I know you. I know what you're capable of. and you deserve much more. much more then I ever could have given you. atleast it was more then...that.
why did it have to be you. ugh.

I wonder if a girl ever really gets over her first love. I know she gets to the point where she lives day to day happy & carefree, but he's still in the back of your mind. you still think about him from time to time.

where's the erase button for life?

life is coming at me fast..

it really is though.
school starts in 3 days.
my new school starts in 3 days. it's like i'm going to be starting high school all over again...just a lot more people.
i don't think i've ever been so nervous to go to school before.
my birthday is in 5 days
i have 5 more days to enjoy my teenage years
and i'll be working all 5 of those days
to get ready for the first scrapbook show of the year
which is in 7 days.
and then right when i get back i will be moving into my own place.
in 10 days.
with my best friend.
i have so much stuff to do in the next 2 weeks. I kinda feel like I'm growing up in these next 2 weeks...
-starting a new school
-moving into my own place, like literally moving into my own place, moving all of my stuff in the room in my mom's house into an apartment of my own...well with my best friend anyway.
-starting my new job
...lots of growing up to do
and it scares me.

i have a feeling this is going to be the best decade of my life though.

'never thought that you would be the one, acting like a slut when I was gone'... Ke$ha ...great album.

What's In A Name Part II

I needed to save this for myself, so I can always remember why I decided to come back..

"What's in a name?
That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
"William Shakespeare
What's in a name?
It's just a name.
It's just a title.
It's just a status.
It's just...a name.
So why let a name alter your perceptions?
So why let a name guide your thoughts?
So why let a name stop you from doing what you deem necessary?
I've decided it's time to live my life - live it in the way that I feel is right for me. Do the things that I want to do, and doing so, without the opinions and thoughts and words of others hindering the path that I so choose.So I'm doing this for me. While others may think I'm doing this for them, ultimately, I'm doing this for me.I'm doing this for my heart.And I'm not letting a name stop me.I'll make my own name - and I'll make it big.♥

I wrote that over a year ago, with every intention of leaving Reno and going back home. At the time, I didn't think I could handle living on my own. No really, I was pretty much on my own. I turned 18, graduated from high school, and left home for college. I packed up an entire room's worth of stuff (half of which ended up being discarded once I got to school because dorm rooms were WAY smaller then I had imagined) and took that drive up to Reno. No parents, no sisters, the good friends I had in high school opted to stay back... (and sometimes I wonder if they would've been my good friends now, regardless of whether or not I left. It's amazing the things you learn about the people you thought you knew in high school, once you leave it...)

I really was alone.

And I'm glad I stuck it out and stayed the whole year. I learned more about myself in that year then I ever could've imagined. I can be independent and I can take care of myself, and I don't need to depend on anybody else to do it. That is one of the greatest feelings in the world, and I wouldn't have learned I could do that had I not left home.This year, however, is an entirely different story. I am getting a lot of flack for leaving and getting asked often why I have decided to leave and why I can't just stay here. There's so many reasons why I CAN'T stay here, and yet, I think even more reasons why I just simply don't WANT to stay here anymore. Most of which involve financial issues, but who doesn't have those these days right? It's unfortunate, but in the end, I have to do what's best for me in the long run.

For some people, Reno is for them. Being out of Vegas is for them. Sticking out through a freezing, snowing, raining, windy winter in Reno is for them. The lights and sounds and hustle and bustle of Vegas isn't for everybody. I can't do it anymore though, and I can't keep pretending that I like to do it either. Like I said, I stuck it out last year and was extremely proud of myself for doing so, but I just can't stick it out anymore. Plain and simple, Reno just isn't for me anymore. Vegas is my home and I really do miss it there. Sure, the school sucks, we all know this. But like I said...it's just a name. I'll make my own name and i'll make it a big one, no matter where I go. Besides, this is Nevada. Any school you go to here just plain sucks, let's be real guys.

Let's think of it this way. Atleast I save money on air fare, since I go home atleast once a month :P What can I say? I really do love it there, no matter how much I truly hate admitting it.

I don't regret coming to Reno and I don't regret any experiences that I've had. Everything happens for a reason, and I think the reason I had to come here was because I had to grow up, and I had to learn to be independent and live on my own. I've met some amazing people that I hope will still remain my friend once I head to the traitors down South. :) I came up here for good reasons. However, as the most amazing person I know said... I'm now leaving for even better ones.

But like I said, a year & a half in this place is about enough for me. So I'm going home.

Oh, but p.s. - when the rebels and the wolf pack play for that cannon, I will be representing the pack, that's just about all there is to it.


I feel the need to add on to this. I took this from my facebook notes because I wanted to delete it on there, but I always wanted to keep this. I want to remember the real reasons why I decided to come back.
Financial reasons really do have a lot to do with it, but I'd be lying to myself if I said that was the only reason.
My best friend said she was leaving Cali and coming back to Vegas. That made my decision a lot easier. Honestly, it sucked going to school without her. It's almost like I need her to have fun sometimes. She gets me, and I needed her.
And then when my Eric decided 'hey, let's move in together', I couldn't say no. I trust him, I have fun with him, and he's my best friend. The proposition was just too good to turn down. With my best friends at my side, I couldn't say no to coming back.
I was miserable there, I was doing stupid stuff there, and I wasn't focused on what I should've been focused on.
I'm hoping here, I will be.
I just need to keep telling myself that I'm doing it for the right reasons...

and try not to focus on that stupid face in the back of my mind that also made it a little easier to move back...

My First Post

In honor of the fact that I am turning 20 years old in 8 days, I've decided starting a blog is probably a pretty good idea. I don't know if anybody will ever read it, or ever care, but it's a good way for me to remember the things I do during the next 10 years of my life, since I really don't believe in diaries.

So here's where we are now...

I'm about to start my 4th college semester at UNLV after transferring from UNR...how do I feel about this? To be honest, I don't know yet. I'll let you know when school starts.

I'm about to move into my own apartment next weekend with my p.i.c. It should be fun.

...i'm not sure what else to write. We'll see if I keep this thing updated.