First things first

I've seriously got to move out of my apartment. It was all fine and dandy for a while there when the government paid for it, but now that I basically work my ass off and it all goes to my apartment, that i'm never in, because i'm too busy working to make money for it, it's not fun anymore. And it's summer, so the AC is freakin expensive. Just sayin, time to start looking for cheaper alternatives. In retrospect, I didn't pick the right apartment. That thing is just darn expensive. Love the area, but dude, I need a house. Something bigger, and cheaper.

Second, I leave for the Philippines in 3 days and I'm not sure how to feel. Kinda nervous I suppose. I feel ill prepared. We're supposed to talk about the bible and give testimonies and whatnot, and I don't know a darn thing about what the bible says unfortunately... And I call myself a Christian. Good thing it's a 23 hour trip. I'll have plenty of time to read up and study.

I finished two books today. Half of a book I started yesterday, and an entire book today. That leaves me with 3 books in 3 days. So I've finished the first half of the Pretty Little Liars series. I've got the entire House of Night series on its way here. Too bad I can't read that until I get back. I've got to hit up a Barnes and Noble before I go to the Philippines. My iPod doesn't have enough movies to occupy my time. Me and long airplane rides do not mix.

The second I get home, I'm making Eric take me to 24 hour fitness.
Let the fun begin.

You.

While I'm at it, this whole blogging thing. I'll take a minute to write about you. You, the one person who I thought I could trust, you, who I never, ever, EVER thought would or could hurt me, twisted me in ways I didn't even know I could feel.

This would be longer, but I'm just tired of thinking about you to be perfectly honest.

I don't hate you, but if you fell off the face of the planet, my life could be easier. I'm just saying.

I guard myself, I'm not like the Berlin wall, I'm not meant to be broken down. I've learned my lesson.

150

I really wasn't kidding when I said I knew I wouldn't update this thing often. Maybe all that will change now. I have an iPhone now, finally. Should make blogging a little easier. I've decided I think blogging might be a good idea. I want to be famous one day, I want to be able to remember what I had to go through to get there. So maybe I'll start updating this thing a little more. Hopefully my phone will help that.

I've been in interesting moods lately. Somewhat similar to that of someone who is bipolar, except I'm definitely not bipolar. I'm just a girl. A girl stuck in the same situation she's been in for her entire life and doesn't know how to get out of it, and is too stubborn to ask for help, and worse, admit that she even has a problem. Because that is legitimately what I have, a problem. Except I don't know how to handle that problem, I have no idea who to talk to about that problem. Nobody understands. Nobody. Understands. I don't care how much you want to admit you understand, because you don't. You can't understand what I'm going through, nobody can. 20 years of this, I can't take it anymore. I can't even cry myself to sleep anymore.

I wish this was a happier post, but I just can't seem to write about something happy right now. I am semi greatful for the fact that my roommates really don't know how to clean - I find cleaning rather therapeutic. Normal people would be angry at the fact that worked for a week just to come home and clean up a mess that wasn't theirs, but ironically, not me, most days. It's therapeutic, it's easing.. I wish I could find therapy in a gym or something.

I want to be somebody different. I want to be me, but different. I want to be the me I know I can be. Problem with that is it's going to take a lot of work. Problem with that is I am not used to 'working hard' for the things I want. Things come easy to me. That's the most conceited, snobby thing I could possibly say, but it's the truth. Things just come easy to me, so working hard for something isn't something I am used to. The thought makes me sick to my stomach and makes me give up before I've even started.

But I've got to try. I can't take this anymore.

Dreams

Dreams are so informative.
I heard once that the last person/thing/whatever you think of before you go to bed is what you dream about.
I'm sure that's why you pop up every so often.
Except now it doesn't feel like dreams anymore.
It's just the same recurring nightmare.
Your face. It's all just a nightmare anymore.
And I can't decide whether I want it to go away or not.
Since it's the only way I see you anymore.

I have so many options...

So many things that I want to do, and theoretically, such little time to do them.
There are so many internships I want to participate in.
So many study abroad programs I want to participate in.
London, Spain, Italy...I wouldn't know where to go. Spend a semester in a country, or spend a summer in a country? Honestly, I'd prefer a semester. An entire semester in another country? How amazing would that be. Maybe next spring...I'll go to London. They do speak English there. But Spain would be amazing, to be able to learn how to speak Spanish. But then Italy...I'll get to hang out with my Simo! And Riccardo and maybe get to meet his other friends. That would be a lot of fun. I could learn italian in that case, which would be an absolute blast. But the chances of me actually graduating on time in that case would be pretty slim. But at the same time, why does it matter? I should stay in school for as long as I possibly can shouldn't I? Going out and finding a job is not really my forte.
I'm watching Post Grad...that's why I'm having all of these issues with my future. I want to be able to enjoy being a kid as much as possible, before I really have to grow up and be an adult. Which is an extremely terrifying concept if you think about it.
I just got an apartment, and in retrospect, probably shouldn't have. It's kind of holding me back now. I'm stuck in it until April, which means if I wanted to study abroad this summer, I really can't. If i wanted to study abroad next semester I really can't. But who would want to study abroad in the Fall. That's the best semester!
That's why I was thinking next spring. It'd only be 3 months left in my apartment, I could just pay that off and call it a day.
Blech, so many options. Sooo many things I could do. I wanted to take summer school this year too, but thinking about it, I really shouldn't. But then maybe I should, because I need to get my core curric. out of the way ASAP.
Man, this is all just blabbing. I've gotta get back to work. I've gotta stop thinking so much. It's kinda what happens when I go through rejection. I don't take rejection lightly. And I start reevaluating my life, in ways that are completely irrelevant to my rejection.
I don't usually have to try hard to get the things I want, so when I get rejected...I don't handle it very well...at all.

I knew I wouldn't update this thing that often.

I want an iphone.
That's tied with a macbook pro for number 1 thing I would like to buy.
Once I pay my rent, I'm investing.
I've wanted one for as long as I can remember.
I'm getting one.

i am so tired...

of always coming in second best.
of standing in the shadow of every girl I know.
I was never the prettiest, & I like to pretend I'm okay with it, but it hurts more & more everyday.
I'm tired of hearing 'well yeah you're cute, but your friend is so hot.'
growing up being the guys' girl was fun, but now, why can't I just be one guy's girl?
I don't wanna be the girl guys talk to just to get to my friends.
that's all I've ever been.
& I know why. I hate it but I know why.
its not like I haven't tried to change it. its just so hard. & I've been hurting all this time...i had to find comfort in something.
I can't even trust the people I've been close to for so long because of my own insecurities.
I just want to be somebody that somebody wants.
doesn't everybody?